Vent vent vent..

Its pretty sad that I think im over you.. well I am but theres days I fucken miss you. Like crazy. I dont get how guys could move on so quickly.. my heart aches everytime I think of someone else loving you or you loving someone else. But I guess thats just how it goes right? People could just easily say they love you but could just dip out so fast.. like all that shit didnt even matter to them. Sucks how the shit they say stick in your head.. I dont know what else to do.. fuck.

02 13 2014

Youre still the one I think about each and every day. Wondering how things came to this, I read our old conversations and just burst into tears. I hate everything that has happened, I wish I could turn back time and relive the days we were together. I wish I didnt take your niceness for granted, I wish the things you said were true.. I just want to be back in your arms again. I miss everything…

Here we go again.. back to staying up and crying.. thinking of how to react when I see you. Thinking of how things would’ve been if you were still by my side, pushing me to do better. Telling me things you meant. I wish the things you said were true, how you wanted to spend forever with me, how our kids would do all these activities.. I can’t seem to get you out of my mind, you’re all I think of, all I dream about, all I wonder about. Just when I thought I was done with you and that im happy knowing youre gone, things about you just come back. How I cant basically hang out with another guy because I still think youre around.. how I still think of your feelings.. why. I just dont know. :(

Fuck all these thoughts are driving me crazy, I miss you so bad.. I miss how id always come home to you, how you were excited to see me. I just fucken plain miss you. I cant cry anymore, I have no more tears to cry. I feel like I have no more life in me. I feel like the most depressed person when youre there the most happiest one. I guess I called it, you wouldnt last, when you said youd do everything to make me happy. It just wasnt your bliss.. I just knew it I guess.. fuck those certain things that remind me of you, fuck the things you said that I truly believed. I wish life had a restart button, id change everything.. fuck :(


All I wished for was someone to stick by my side, someone that could be there when I need them. Someone that is with me; even if im the most hardheadest person ever, the most unconfident one. I really hoped it wouldve been you.
You were different, you knew how to make me smile when I didn’t want too, I trusted you with all my secrets.. I could tell you anything and you wouldnt judge; you had my back. You were everything I hoped for; someone who knew what they wanted, someone who knew how their futures gonna be. You helped me look at the brighter things in life,  you always had that wonderful smile on your face that brightens the room. Youre the first thing I look for in a crowd of people.
Now thats its all over, im like a lost soul, I dont know which way to go, it feels as if I lost my other half. I think of you more than I should, I wonder if you do same. I wonder what youre doing, how you are. People tell me to shoot you a text, but honestly I cant. Its hard to talk to someone to who seems like they dont wanna talk to you.
I’m the one that’s planning a future but this time it was you, you did everything to make me think it’ll last, you made me think you’d be my last. You had everything planned out, to what our kids activities were gonna be, down to their names. But I guess feelings change quickly than you expect. I just hope that you figure out the things you need to figure out.

I just wanna be with you every second of my life, i wanna have little beautiful babies with you, marry you. I wanna be able to pick you up when you’re at your lowest, I want to be the first thought in the morning and the last thought before bed. I wanna be the lady you’re excited to come home to and cuddle with, the one that’ll make you supper when you get home after a long day at work. I want to be able to make you feel like a king. I just wanna be the one you’re proud to have and happy to be with..

Dear you..

I miss the small things you used to do.. the times when you had a chance, you’d text or call.. the times when you’d skype call me.. I miss how you’d make an effort for me to be in your life. But recently I feel so unwanted, not worthy of your time, not important. You can tell me so many reasons or excuses, but those are just words like they say “actions speak louder than words.” The fact I only see you once a week, thats not enough. You’re giving reasons for other people to take YOUR spot, as much as I don’t want it to be it will. I reread all the things you used to tell me, it makes it seem you’re still here with me. I’ve been feeling like I have no boyfriend at all, you’re always the first person I wanna tell things to but you’re not around. Yeah you’re a text away, but you’re too busy. I just don’t know anymore. Patience if a virtue they say.. I just hope its true. I love you way too much, and to be honest I’m scared to lose you but at the same time I’m not. I just straight up hope you see whats in front of you.

Left with nothing but birthday presents..

First, I was left with a dora doll my ex gave me on my birthday.. I brought that dora doll with me on my second trip to los angeles.. then suddenly he left so I gave it back.

Second, I was given a ds and a lifesized stuffed dog.. then I left and kept the things he gave.. then threw them out.

Third, I was given a note for my 18th birthday… then things went downhill and I had to burn the note.

Now, I’m left with a football jacket..I honestly don’t wanna do anything bad to this football jacket, I want it to be the last present I ever had.. the present I’m truly happy to have.. the present I dont need to burn, or give back or throw out.. I want to keep it forever..

03032013; You know when you’re drunk and get inside your house and there’s a bunch of obstacles? Life is like that sometimes people get into your life and even if it’s a blessing or a curse it’s always just gonna be a lesson learned. So it’s either he’s just an obstacle to make your life be better or he’s the one beside you facing those obstacles together.

05012013; I know you’re sleeping because I can obviously see you but!!! I’m really thankful that I have you I’n my life, you’re way outta my league but I still managed to trick you into liking me :) every single day you never fail to make me happy!! Youre like the coolest fcken girlfriend out there!!! Not to mention the hottest too ;) ANYWAY!!! I hope this is the first thing you see when you wake up. I love you joy :* good night :)

07252013; I’m On my break so here goes. Never have i ever loved, someone who’s so sweet that came from above, your smile takes my breath away, but why do you have to always call me
Fucking gay?, your annoying mood swings i can tolerate, they’re the only thing about you that really hate, this text has a lot of rhyme , but stealing your heart is one of the BEST crime, aside from
Booz and marijuana, you can keep Me forever if you wanna? :) I know I’m not much of a poet, but just STFU and get over it, I’m Just winging this as i go along, maybe one day I’ll even right a song, about the best I’ve ever had, because dating you is so fucking rad :D

09082013; Good morning babe! I’m at work na. Hope you slept well, sorry i always leave every Saturday night but it’s the only time me and my cousin see each other anymore. But heeyyy your bday is coming up!!!! I’m so excited to date a “mature” 19 year old! Ghana who am i kidding. You’ll always be a baby. MY BABY. Ya big baby!

09112013; Happy birthday to my wonderful wifey!! Seriously couldnt ask for a better one, although you’re pissy and all that i love you because it makes you you!! Can’t wait to start life with you and male Beautiful babies, dark
Ones, extremely tall and buff babies. Although you’re 2 years older than me
You are still my baby girl matter juat! HAPPY 19th babe!!!! I love you lots!!! :*

09182013; If it’s me falling for someone don’t worry i won’t. Shit i won’t cheat on you. It’s my presence that i just can’t provide but you have my loyalty hun. Every girl i see is ugly to my eyes. You can ask all my friends. No matter what scenario it is with girls i always tell em the girl is ugly and i have a girlfriend. You’re the first thing i mention to people i meet.

09192013; I wanna say i love you joy i wanna have all day Saturday with you and go shopping during Sunday’s and cuddle to
Sleep then wake up to our dream house with our annoying ass kids (they got it from their momma) then dropping em off to school.

09222013; Babe… I’m stupid. At times I neglect you. I don’t mean to but it do. I just had my thoughts straight. I’m scared to lose you. Please hang in there. Your boyfriend is just getting his shit straight, I hate putting you to tears really. I think I’m slowly losing you, I don’t want that to happen. I don’t wanna lose the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I may be a shitty boyfriend right now but maybe in the near future I can be a good dad and an even better husband. Our relationship is hanging by a thread right now and you might make decisions that you might regret. If you wanna listen to peoples “advice” I don’t blame you. Just don’t regret your decisions about us trust me it’s not good. I’m sorry for the misery I gave you, I’m sorry for not calling, sorry for not giving you all those little things that mean so much, I’m sorry I’m a fuck up. Still down to stay with me for a last ride? Maybe convince you that I’m actually worthy of you? I love you Hun.. I really do.

Me: Yenno how I long at thing as long runs.. what happens when you’re done high school? I’m scared things moght go downhill
Babe: What happens when I’m done highschool?! Imma get a descent job and a car so I can satisfy my wife’s cravings at like 1 in the morning.

10192013; I’m still with you because when everyone and the whole world is against me you’re the only there with me still. You have faith in me when even I don’t

Here I am laying here, crying my eyes out wondering where I went wrong.. torturing myself by looking through our pictures and rereading convos.. just the way you said things to make sure I’m okay and what not. I know I shouldn’t be crying but its just so hard to keep it in..
Nobody wants a girl that’s like me..c

Here I am hoping all my relationships end up like a happy ending.. I guess that’s what I get watching all these love movies.. hoping to find my prince charming, fall in love and live happily ever after but we all know realistically that’s not going to happen.. 
Love isn’t easy, there’ll always be ups and downs. I guess right now I’m at my lowest point, rock bottom. I’m at my weakest point where I could just bust into tears out of nowhere, but once you’re at the bottom there’s nowhere else to go but up. No matter how hard it is.. you can’t always expect things to be good right off the bat..
You give and trust someone with your heart and hope they don’t break it. You give that person your all but sometimes they see it as something bad as if they’re being tied down or choked and you see it as loving them.. and when they see it as something good you think they could do better.
Love isn’t only easy but is confusing too, it makes you do and think such stupid things. Makes you think how could someone possibly love another that’s confusing and so fucked up? how could someone learn to love another when they dont even know themselves? It’s hard to love someone that has so much complications with themself. Like how could you possibly love that one person? Feeling not good enough, feeling that someone else could love better. Its just so damn complicating. Love isn’t easy.

I wonder if youll actually hit rock bottom when I leave.. but what if you don’t? What if I do leave and you just love being free and don’t come back.. and I’m left here waiting or even falling for someone else? It sucks waiting for something that’s probably never gonna happen yet I’m here waiting around for your ass. Its sucks to leave something that you know you wanna keep and be with forever, when you know its everything you’ve wanted and hoped for. But I think I can’t wait anymore longer for you to realize things.. my insides hurt thinking of all the negative things but I don’t feel the needs to stay, I don’t feel the love like I did in the beginning. I’m just in so much pain, I’m tired of waiting, tired of hoping things are gonna change. I just hope you get shit straight sooner or later, cuz soon enough the most patient girl isn’t gonna be waiting around for you anymore.

Haven’t used this blog in a while…

Uuuuuugh! I keep deleting what I’m writing.

- I know basically everything. I find shit out but I just keep my mouth shut until I feel as I have to let it out. Once I do let things out I feel like I just fucked things up, like I just gave away my identity; that I’ve been hiding for so long. But really that’s not the reason why I let it out. Its because obvi its been bugging me for so long and it just can’t stay hidden no more.. it hurts to find things out from someone else or just finding things out yourself, its like you’re not worth the truth or something. Be real with me, cuz Im always real with you. Ignorance may be a bliss, but the truth is a virtue. I rather hear the truth than some white lie shit. Yenno. It just makes me lose my trust in someone.. and once I lose my trust you’re basically cut, yeah we can talk but its not the same..

- being felt as if you’re forgotten is probably one of the most hurtful feeling ever.. being told you’re a priority yet still felt as if you’re just an option or some shit.. it hurts. But obvi you just keep your mouth cuz you can’t do anything, but accept it.

- it sucks when you need someone but they’re never there, when you need someone to just listen and tell you things you wanna hear.. not advice on what you should do. Sometimes people just need a big tight hug to feel better. it sucks to love someone so much but too scared to love them more because you’re just plain scared to get hurt again. It sucks to plan ahead but feel youre doing it for nothing cuz you don’t know if they’re with you in the long run.. or just there just for the sake of having you.. it plain sucks. It sucks feeling like you could be replace so easily even if they say no one could compare to you, just cause you heard those words before..

.. I guess that’s it for now. Gonna try to catch some sleep to heal my heart and brain..

Jsut a mess; le rant

Fuck I dont even know anymore. Im just so madly in love with you, more than I ever expected to be. I wanna tell you so many things but the words just cant come outta my mouth when im near you. I fucken feel like a big mess, wanting to just be with you all the time, to always know if im the only girl on your mind. Fuck I hate over thinking at night, brings up things that arent there. Im scared to love you more. im scared you might turn out like my ex, get piss drunk and make out with a girl and not tell me, well basically cheat on me. He said he was loyal and wouldn’t do it but he did, even his friends encouraged him and didnt stop him. Im just straight up scared. It just kills me inside. Theres just a bunch of things I wanna talk to you about and wish youd tell me how you really feel and not joke around. :(

Fuck its all hitting me now..

Finding out you have stage 4 cancer totally breaks my heart, obviously I cant do anything about it but to just pray for you. Seeing you after 10 years and seeing the smile on your face just its so amazing and makes my heart melt. I wish I had more time to spend with you, I wish I could just spend everyday with you like before.. I love you so much nanay, even if I barely visit. Youre always going to be my nanay and ill always love you :( please keep fighting, you got this.