07082014.

Vent vent… vent? Maybe just cheesy thoughts.. Hahaha where do I even start. Well first off having you as my lock/home screen is a good and bad thing. Let’s list why its good then bad or bad then good. Lol . hmmm Or maybe just good. We’ll see how things go. Lol

Why is good that you’re my lock/home screen..
1.) Because I seem to always check my phone and when I unlock it; its you.
2.) Its because you seem to motivate me more than anyone else.
3.) I seem to smile more when I see you or your face..
4.) I remember all the good days we’ve had
5.) It reminds me how lucky I am to have you in my life.
6.) I just get all cheesed.. I guess this’ the same as #3. Lol
7.) Reminds me when I told you that one day that it was such a turn on to see you all dressed up, then the next day you picked me up at work all dressed up, even in the pouring rain.
8.) Reminds me when you bussed over and hour just to see me for just a few mins.
9.) The kisses in the storage room
10.) How you’d go the extra mile just to make the person you like/love happy..

But anyways, I guess this post is just how I feel about you? I guess.. Hahah. Well hmm, I always seem to ask myself why do I like you? Why you?.. For the longest time I had no answer until yesteday.. When I had to talk to my brother about you. Why do I like you? Simply because you treat me how I’m suppose to be treated, like a princess. It feels nice to actually have someone take care of me instead of me taking care of someone, I’m not saying I’m not gonna take care of you. Its just different with you, no matter how many times I hear your name I still get butterflies or more like elephants in my stomach. Lol. I just get that gigil emotion.
When my Tita told me about you coming to the store all excited cuz I’m back from my trip and how smiley you were just melts my insides.. How she gets cheesed herself telling me about it, just kills my inside.. In a good way. How my titas love it when you look into my store to just check if im there or not. Call me crazy but I think I’m truly madly deeply in love with you.. Hahaha. I just can’t seem to get you outta my mind! Or the sweet shit you said. Gah my cheekbones hurt from smiling. Lol well I know words dont mean much to you but I just can’t help to just let my thoughts and feelings out. Haha. But yeah, I guess that’s it for now.. :)



06282014

Can’t believe even a million miles away you’re all I think about. I’m here on a business trip and all I wanna do is be successful, just so I could take you with me.. I’m gonna bust my ass the upcoming 3 months just so I could take you to Hawaii with me. I dont understand why I’m thinking this way, I don’t know why I wanna bring you. I don’t know why I wanna settle down with you. You probably dont see the same but shit, this sucks nuts cuz all I want is to just want to be with you and only you. I know words aren’t anything to you but I swear I’m gonna prove you wrong; prove to you how much I actually do love you. I don’t know why I haven’t given up after all the arguments and rumors after all the shit. I’m still here to stay, I’m here to walk beside you through all the struggles and obstacles. A lot of people may leave you but I guarantee you I’m here to damm stay.



06052014

I hate the way you make me feel.. I just plain hate you but love you at the same fucken time. Why did I even bother meeting you, why did I even fall for someone like you, why am I so scared to lose you? You aren’t even mine. You, being the last thought at night and first thought once I wake up.. hoping youll love me like I love you. Fuck you straight up, the thought of you drives me crazy.
Before I met you I put up all my guards up but you broke them down. I always ask myself why, why must I be so stupid to let a guy like you break down my walls again.. Why must I fall in love with you completely. Why must I think of you all the damn time.. why do you have to be so damn sweet. Fuck you. Fuck getting so attached to you, fuck loving you.. fuck always checking up on you! Fuck getting jealous.. just straight up fuck everything.. blaaaah!!



052714;

Hey babe, cant seem to get my shit together and tell you.. so I guess its on here. Ha ha. Oh btw sorry for the depressing posts after this, im over that shit. But anyways.. I can only seem to spill my feelings out on here but not to anyone.. well no one knows this blog of mine, even if theres a link on my main blog but no one pays attention to that. But yeah, I honestly cant seem to get you off my mind ever since the day we started talking, to be honest with you. I thought you were the cutest from the moment I seen your video with kalen, seeing how much you love her makes my heart melt. Ive always been real with you, I never like hiding things from someone that means a lot. I tell you things straight up and when you ask I give a straight answer. I learned a lot from my past about lying, so I cant seem to lie anymore. I cant fully vent to you straight up cuz im scared, ive always been scared of everything. I dont know why im scared to vent to you but I just am as much as I wanna im scared of your reaction I guess. Ive always been that type of girl that would trusy people easily and they always fuck me over. I never learn my lesson and just tell people I KNOW I could trust. But you I opened up to you quickly, theres just something about you that’s different. You’re the only guy that im seeing that’s actually older than me, I guess that’s what makes me so scared, im used to guys being in love with me I guess. But like you said you know your worth, thats why im kind of distancing myself. I dont wanna push buttons and get you sick of me already, which you probably are I think ;/. I told you from yhe beginning that im the worse girl to like, I have so many flaws.. I told you im always busy.. I honestly feel like shit that I barely have time for you, which pushes you away which makes you have interest in someone else probably. I tend to push away people that actually treat me good then just go with a jackass that treats me like shit. With you, I can see you’ll treat me like a princess or even a queen. For some reason im scared, im scared that youll treat me so good and ill just disappoint you, which I did many times already and it pisses me off. I know it seems as if I dont try my best but I do, I swear I do. Babe, i think being with me is probably one of the worst decisions youve made. Why do I think that.. well first of all, like I said I tend to push the good things away. A small fight, ill try to push you away by putting myself down, but really I want you to stay. I know that shit is whack but its just me. Second, I tend to pick small fights, which makes me end up trying to be sweet. Which sometimes works but doesnt. Third, im stubborn and hard headed. Fourth, I get really jealous easily.. like really easily. And lastly, I love stealing my boys clothes.. I love just having your scent, eventually all your clothes might end up at my place. Oh and lastly lastly I love being lambinged or whatever. Hah! But yeah. I hate fighting or having little arguments, I feel like shit always wondering what youre doing, if youre thinking of me or if you still like me or love me or whatever me. Babe, you’re one in a million and I still need to learn how to love an older man, since im used to dating useless boys. Everything is off my chest.. I guess ima send you the link now and pass out and just wait for your text in the morning or text you if you havent.



052614

I hate the way you make me feel… I honestly love being with you even if we havent hung out fully yet, but every time im near you I get these feelings I cant explain like little running elephants in my stomach. You’ve made me the happiest little lady but lately it seems as if youve lost interest.. convos been cut short, little arguments here and there. I knew it that id fuck things up sooner or later.. man, it just sucks cuz im madly in love with you its insane..



120313

All I wished for was someone to stick by my side, someone that could be there when I need them. Someone that is with me; even if im the most hardheadest person ever, the most unconfident one. I really hoped it wouldve been you.
You were different, you knew how to make me smile when I didn’t want too, I trusted you with all my secrets.. I could tell you anything and you wouldnt judge; you had my back. You were everything I hoped for; someone who knew what they wanted, someone who knew how their futures gonna be. You helped me look at the brighter things in life,  you always had that wonderful smile on your face that brightens the room. Youre the first thing I look for in a crowd of people.
Now thats its all over, im like a lost soul, I dont know which way to go, it feels as if I lost my other half. I think of you more than I should, I wonder if you do same. I wonder what youre doing, how you are. People tell me to shoot you a text, but honestly I cant. Its hard to talk to someone to who seems like they dont wanna talk to you.
I’m the one that’s planning a future but this time it was you, you did everything to make me think it’ll last, you made me think you’d be my last. You had everything planned out, to what our kids activities were gonna be, down to their names. But I guess feelings change quickly than you expect. I just hope that you figure out the things you need to figure out.



102113; Dear you..

I miss the small things you used to do.. the times when you had a chance, you’d text or call.. the times when you’d skype call me.. I miss how you’d make an effort for me to be in your life. But recently I feel so unwanted, not worthy of your time, not important. You can tell me so many reasons or excuses, but those are just words like they say “actions speak louder than words.” The fact I only see you once a week, thats not enough. You’re giving reasons for other people to take YOUR spot, as much as I don’t want it to be it will. I reread all the things you used to tell me, it makes it seem you’re still here with me. I’ve been feeling like I have no boyfriend at all, you’re always the first person I wanna tell things to but you’re not around. Yeah you’re a text away, but you’re too busy. I just don’t know anymore. Patience if a virtue they say.. I just hope its true. I love you way too much, and to be honest I’m scared to lose you but at the same time I’m not. I just straight up hope you see whats in front of you.



Left with nothing but birthday presents..

First, I was left with a dora doll my ex gave me on my birthday.. I brought that dora doll with me on my second trip to los angeles.. then suddenly he left so I gave it back.

Second, I was given a ds and a lifesized stuffed dog.. then I left and kept the things he gave.. then threw them out.

Third, I was given a note for my 18th birthday… then things went downhill and I had to burn the note.

Now, I’m left with a football jacket..I honestly don’t wanna do anything bad to this football jacket, I want it to be the last present I ever had.. the present I’m truly happy to have.. the present I dont need to burn, or give back or throw out.. I want to keep it forever..



03032013; You know when you’re drunk and get inside your house and there’s a bunch of obstacles? Life is like that sometimes people get into your life and even if it’s a blessing or a curse it’s always just gonna be a lesson learned. So it’s either he’s just an obstacle to make your life be better or he’s the one beside you facing those obstacles together.

05012013; I know you’re sleeping because I can obviously see you but!!! I’m really thankful that I have you I’n my life, you’re way outta my league but I still managed to trick you into liking me :) every single day you never fail to make me happy!! Youre like the coolest fcken girlfriend out there!!! Not to mention the hottest too ;) ANYWAY!!! I hope this is the first thing you see when you wake up. I love you joy :* good night :)

07252013; I’m On my break so here goes. Never have i ever loved, someone who’s so sweet that came from above, your smile takes my breath away, but why do you have to always call me
Fucking gay?, your annoying mood swings i can tolerate, they’re the only thing about you that really hate, this text has a lot of rhyme , but stealing your heart is one of the BEST crime, aside from
Booz and marijuana, you can keep Me forever if you wanna? :) I know I’m not much of a poet, but just STFU and get over it, I’m Just winging this as i go along, maybe one day I’ll even right a song, about the best I’ve ever had, because dating you is so fucking rad :D

09082013; Good morning babe! I’m at work na. Hope you slept well, sorry i always leave every Saturday night but it’s the only time me and my cousin see each other anymore. But heeyyy your bday is coming up!!!! I’m so excited to date a “mature” 19 year old! Ghana who am i kidding. You’ll always be a baby. MY BABY. Ya big baby!

09112013; Happy birthday to my wonderful wifey!! Seriously couldnt ask for a better one, although you’re pissy and all that i love you because it makes you you!! Can’t wait to start life with you and male Beautiful babies, dark
Ones, extremely tall and buff babies. Although you’re 2 years older than me
You are still my baby girl matter juat! HAPPY 19th babe!!!! I love you lots!!! :*

09182013; If it’s me falling for someone don’t worry i won’t. Shit i won’t cheat on you. It’s my presence that i just can’t provide but you have my loyalty hun. Every girl i see is ugly to my eyes. You can ask all my friends. No matter what scenario it is with girls i always tell em the girl is ugly and i have a girlfriend. You’re the first thing i mention to people i meet.

09192013; I wanna say i love you joy i wanna have all day Saturday with you and go shopping during Sunday’s and cuddle to
Sleep then wake up to our dream house with our annoying ass kids (they got it from their momma) then dropping em off to school.

09222013; Babe… I’m stupid. At times I neglect you. I don’t mean to but it do. I just had my thoughts straight. I’m scared to lose you. Please hang in there. Your boyfriend is just getting his shit straight, I hate putting you to tears really. I think I’m slowly losing you, I don’t want that to happen. I don’t wanna lose the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I may be a shitty boyfriend right now but maybe in the near future I can be a good dad and an even better husband. Our relationship is hanging by a thread right now and you might make decisions that you might regret. If you wanna listen to peoples “advice” I don’t blame you. Just don’t regret your decisions about us trust me it’s not good. I’m sorry for the misery I gave you, I’m sorry for not calling, sorry for not giving you all those little things that mean so much, I’m sorry I’m a fuck up. Still down to stay with me for a last ride? Maybe convince you that I’m actually worthy of you? I love you Hun.. I really do.

10082013;
Me: Yenno how I long at thing as long runs.. what happens when you’re done high school? I’m scared things moght go downhill
Babe: What happens when I’m done highschool?! Imma get a descent job and a car so I can satisfy my wife’s cravings at like 1 in the morning.

10192013; I’m still with you because when everyone and the whole world is against me you’re the only there with me still. You have faith in me when even I don’t



Here I am laying here, crying my eyes out wondering where I went wrong.. torturing myself by looking through our pictures and rereading convos.. just the way you said things to make sure I’m okay and what not. I know I shouldn’t be crying but its just so hard to keep it in..
Nobody wants a girl that’s like me..c



Here I am hoping all my relationships end up like a happy ending.. I guess that’s what I get watching all these love movies.. hoping to find my prince charming, fall in love and live happily ever after but we all know realistically that’s not going to happen.. 
Love isn’t easy, there’ll always be ups and downs. I guess right now I’m at my lowest point, rock bottom. I’m at my weakest point where I could just bust into tears out of nowhere, but once you’re at the bottom there’s nowhere else to go but up. No matter how hard it is.. you can’t always expect things to be good right off the bat..
You give and trust someone with your heart and hope they don’t break it. You give that person your all but sometimes they see it as something bad as if they’re being tied down or choked and you see it as loving them.. and when they see it as something good you think they could do better.
Love isn’t only easy but is confusing too, it makes you do and think such stupid things. Makes you think how could someone possibly love another that’s confusing and so fucked up? how could someone learn to love another when they dont even know themselves? It’s hard to love someone that has so much complications with themself. Like how could you possibly love that one person? Feeling not good enough, feeling that someone else could love better. Its just so damn complicating. Love isn’t easy.



I wonder if youll actually hit rock bottom when I leave.. but what if you don’t? What if I do leave and you just love being free and don’t come back.. and I’m left here waiting or even falling for someone else? It sucks waiting for something that’s probably never gonna happen yet I’m here waiting around for your ass. Its sucks to leave something that you know you wanna keep and be with forever, when you know its everything you’ve wanted and hoped for. But I think I can’t wait anymore longer for you to realize things.. my insides hurt thinking of all the negative things but I don’t feel the needs to stay, I don’t feel the love like I did in the beginning. I’m just in so much pain, I’m tired of waiting, tired of hoping things are gonna change. I just hope you get shit straight sooner or later, cuz soon enough the most patient girl isn’t gonna be waiting around for you anymore.



Haven’t used this blog in a while…

Uuuuuugh! I keep deleting what I’m writing.

- I know basically everything. I find shit out but I just keep my mouth shut until I feel as I have to let it out. Once I do let things out I feel like I just fucked things up, like I just gave away my identity; that I’ve been hiding for so long. But really that’s not the reason why I let it out. Its because obvi its been bugging me for so long and it just can’t stay hidden no more.. it hurts to find things out from someone else or just finding things out yourself, its like you’re not worth the truth or something. Be real with me, cuz Im always real with you. Ignorance may be a bliss, but the truth is a virtue. I rather hear the truth than some white lie shit. Yenno. It just makes me lose my trust in someone.. and once I lose my trust you’re basically cut, yeah we can talk but its not the same..

- being felt as if you’re forgotten is probably one of the most hurtful feeling ever.. being told you’re a priority yet still felt as if you’re just an option or some shit.. it hurts. But obvi you just keep your mouth cuz you can’t do anything, but accept it.

- it sucks when you need someone but they’re never there, when you need someone to just listen and tell you things you wanna hear.. not advice on what you should do. Sometimes people just need a big tight hug to feel better. it sucks to love someone so much but too scared to love them more because you’re just plain scared to get hurt again. It sucks to plan ahead but feel youre doing it for nothing cuz you don’t know if they’re with you in the long run.. or just there just for the sake of having you.. it plain sucks. It sucks feeling like you could be replace so easily even if they say no one could compare to you, just cause you heard those words before..

.. I guess that’s it for now. Gonna try to catch some sleep to heal my heart and brain..



Jsut a mess; le rant

Fuck I dont even know anymore. Im just so madly in love with you, more than I ever expected to be. I wanna tell you so many things but the words just cant come outta my mouth when im near you. I fucken feel like a big mess, wanting to just be with you all the time, to always know if im the only girl on your mind. Fuck I hate over thinking at night, brings up things that arent there. Im scared to love you more. im scared you might turn out like my ex, get piss drunk and make out with a girl and not tell me, well basically cheat on me. He said he was loyal and wouldn’t do it but he did, even his friends encouraged him and didnt stop him. Im just straight up scared. It just kills me inside. Theres just a bunch of things I wanna talk to you about and wish youd tell me how you really feel and not joke around. :(



Fuck its all hitting me now..

Finding out you have stage 4 cancer totally breaks my heart, obviously I cant do anything about it but to just pray for you. Seeing you after 10 years and seeing the smile on your face just its so amazing and makes my heart melt. I wish I had more time to spend with you, I wish I could just spend everyday with you like before.. I love you so much nanay, even if I barely visit. Youre always going to be my nanay and ill always love you :( please keep fighting, you got this.